A new year a new you? Sure whatever.. this year I’m trying something different, I am going into it fresh from a separation and pending divorce and proudly lone parenting my beautiful children with ease and grace.
So what goals do I have for this year?
A few actually, many of them I’ve already achieved before the last year actually finished but I will include them here just so I can share with you, most of these, if you follow me on twitter, I’ve already shared as part of my pinned post about New Years resolutions and I really felt that I want to share them here too so I can keep a better track of them
Here are my 2019 goals, the ones I’ve achieved already are the piercings and I feel like I’m getting my depression under control now and I have taken steps to learning to drive.. in fact my first lesson is today (Sunday 6th) and I’m so excited!
- Squash my anxiety and go out more
- Get the piercings I want done
- Go to comic con in cosplay
- Go to RTX London
- Be a red head again
- Become a happier me and defeat my depression
- Continue losing weight and take up some form of exercise
- Pay off my Next account and close it
- Wear more bright colours
- Go away for longer
- Meet my friend Becca and have a good time together
- Learn to drive and get a purple car
- Get a bigger home for my family
- Get another mainecoon
- Learn to love myself before any other man
- Find happiness elsewhere
- Be fearless
I hope I can achieve all of these on this list for this year, 2018 ended so horribly that I hope 2019 ends with smiles, laughter and happiness!
Here’s to another year of me 🙂
This day will forever be a date that I wish I could redo, it was a night during half term when our internet stopped working, it was a little annoying but we managed to work through some bite, Mr S worked on writing using Word and I think I played a game, i am not sure.
It was also the night that I discovered the fun delights of Gin, and both me and Mr S got really drunk and had a lot of giggles together. It’s my favourite memory of us as we’ve had a few struggles of late with him traveling a lot and me really not coping well. We shared our past loves and why we love each other, he gave me a hickey and we just had a lovely late night in each other’s company..
The next day however, something changed, I let my ocd take control and when he told me he had been given tablets for depression, I freaked, worried he would be a different person and told, more suggested he try talking to healthy minds (mental health charity) first before drugs, I was scared he wouldn’t be my husband anymore and would change.
I know I did wrong, I was scared and for a moment unsupportive of him. He needed to get better and I let my own mental health take control and be selfish.
It was this night he told me he didn’t love me anymore and the relationship was over.
This day I broke.. I turned into this desperate, scared and anxious mess because I of course wanted to fix everything and make it all right.. but it wasn’t meant to be..
He told me on the 16th November that he will be packing a bag to stay at his mums house from Wednesday to get space, but I knew in my mind this meant ‘the end’ and I didn’t want that.. as the date loomed closer and closer I turned into the worst version of me I could become, I was desperate to keep my husband and my marriage, he in turn removed his wedding ring and started going to more evening events to just get away, and also went for a drive and slept in his car, leaving me worried to death.
I finally called my mum for help, mentally and physically exhausted I started trying to stop him from leaving to the point that I hugged him in his chair, he said I ‘held him down’ but in my mind it was a desperate contact to be close to my love, he left that night and went to his mums… this then begins the start of the official separation and now what’s been going on in my life now..
He came home lunch time, I think it was a long time ago now, told me he was packing a bag to go to his mums and I said no, please can we fix this, we are stronger than that and we have always said we would work through every problem that came our way, and because I tried to stop him packing a bag, he called the police, while he did hung up, I rang my mum in a panic and during the argument and scuffle of my utter desperation I lashed out at him, I hit the man I love, a mistake that I now have to live with, a mistake he won’t drop or forgive. Mum turned up and after he had gone back to work and told me ‘I want to leave and find happiness somewhere else’ the police turned up, took a statement and thankfully nothing else came of it.
He did come home that evening, I was endlessly apologising, endlessly trying to make it up to him and find a way to make it all better. He told me not to worry about it.. we continued on but he now slept at his mums house, coming home for meals and seeing the children in the evenings. I was still so desperate to fix my marriage, make it all better and somehow convince him to stay.
One evening, I asked my mum for help to talk to him, the children had been asking for me to get him to come home so I wanted to see if he would change his mind.. he did not, i once again in complete desperation tried to stop him from leaving, I ripped his jumper and shirt.. he pushed me to the floor, called the police and leapt out of our bedroom window.. this was the end of November, the last time I saw him, the last time we shared a hug and a kiss.. the last time I thought there would be any hope..
I don’t remember fully what day it was but I remember that the next day we got locked out of the flat and despite saying that I wouldn’t contact him, I had to call for help. He didn’t answer and I ended up reaching out to my mum who came all the way from her home which is in a town 40 minutes away. I didn’t know at this point but he had made contact with the police who then suggested he contact the domestic abuse helpline.
Monday rolled around and after a morning of having blood tests I check my pokemon go at home to see he had unfriended me, in a blind panic I saw he had unfriended me on Facebook and twitter as well, all the relationship websites said it’s normal and he was just separating himself from me.. what I didn’t know is he was advised to do it by the domestic abuse helpline.
We had zero contact all week and I believe on a Thursday my mum asked him to call me because he honestly needed too, he did during the day and it was then when I found out about everything he had done, he had been advised to stop paying rent and to stop all contact, he had also been advised to get an injunction on me which he claimed he didn’t want to do. I went into shock. I called my mum who rushed home from work and called my dad. I was in no fit state to deal with anything.. my dad stayed the night, I promised not to try and contact him.
The next day, around half 2, I discovered I was pregnant. I bawled like a baby when those two lines appeared, I didn’t know what to do, I was in shock again. I had been feeling off for a while so I tested purely out of habit whenever my period was a bit late. I didn’t expect to see those lines.. my parents said not to tell him but I felt like he needed to know, he had the right to know after all. So because his mum wouldn’t let me talk to him, I had to tell her who passed on the message.
Now looking back I’m convinced they didn’t believe me, I know he doesn’t believe me. The one time I so desperately needed him and he didn’t want to speak to me. It was heartbreaking. I had a weekend to think over it all, a weekend to imagine a future with a new baby and day dreaming of my husband being home finally.. Monday morning however I woke up to a puddle of blood, it had ended as quickly as it began and I once again was in tears and feeling so lonely.
A lot has happened between now and then, a lot of it is a complete blur, I’ve never experienced so much hatred from someone who once said he loved me, I’ve allowed contact whenever it’s been best for the children and I’ve sat and watched him have his fun single social life that he apparently craved when he was with me, he’s used my mental health, things I’ve said on Facebook and twitter and even silly jokes I’ve said when we’ve briefly talked about the children against me.
I had to unfriend his family on Facebook because his mother had been feeding back to him things I had said and I then had to block him on twitter, simple to protect myself. I was beginning to suspect he was taking action to take the children away from me, mainly because of the threats being thrown my way from both him and his mother..
This was all confirmed from what happened next…
The children asked to see him on a Monday, being worried that he would think I was controlling them, let them call him and say it, he tried to change their minds so I took the phone off them and tried to get him to agree to Monday’s, to which he yelled at me down the phone and in front of people, I simply hung up..
My mum came around from work to make sure I was okay and about 10 minutes after she arrived we got a knock at the door, it was a police officer who had been told that the children were in danger! I couldn’t believe it, my mum couldn’t believe it, I expressed for some sort of restraining order because I have had enough of him and these accusations and the police officer left happily with the knowledge that the children weren’t in any danger, even Kai said to the man that I didn’t yell.. the police man explained that it’s pretty normal in break ups for the other party to try and get more incident numbers in their favour.
I was done with it all, the next day I made contact with a solicitor and reached out to a contact centre. I have started taking steps into stopping all contact unless supervised by someone as I don’t trust them at all, him or his mother who have fed me nothing but lies since the beginning. I am beyond angry that he had the audacity to say that I would harm my children!!
I also was advised to contact the domestic abuse helpline as I feel utterly threatened by him and his mother by their actions and threats, the social media stalking and everything else and I’m taking steps to make sure he never speaks to me again.
He crossed a huge line the day he called the police about the children, a line I wouldn’t dare cross either.. you can throw whatever you want at me, I can take whatever but don’t you bloody DARE bring the children into it. I’ve been told I have been using the children as weapons.. this is using the children as a weapon!
Today.. I am a stronger person, today I no longer cry over him, today I am a lioness protecting her cubs, he can go get himself a big house or use my mental health against me, which I’d like to add I’ve got under control and feel completely normal for the first time in a long while..
The only thing I regret out of all of this, out of these past ten years is ever marrying him.. it’s just so complicated to get a divorce now what with the children. I just wish him out of my life and to never have to deal with him again and compared to how I was three weeks or so ago.. I never thought I’d ever be at this point.. never thought I’d hate him so much.. never expected I’d loose that hope of getting back together..
But somewhere out there is someone who will treat me with respect, will put his family first above a silly website.. he chose that site over his family.. long before I slapped him.. long before he decided to leave..
I am done
Sarah the Lioness
I will be back shortly, blogging about my life and various other things in the not too distant future, I have had to take some personal time which I will explain in a future post.
But for now, love to you all and I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and a very happy new year!
While the title of this post might not seem like the most positive thing ever, but I feel it is always best to get things off your chest when they’ve been bothering you for a while.
So here I am, admitting that sometimes I really hate blogging!
There are of course some amazingly wonderful things about blogging, one being the community and the friendships I have gained and rekindled, there is a large amount of supportive people out there but also some really god horrid meanies too.
I hate the stress, I hate the fact that sometimes it’s expected of you to be ‘picture perfect’ and squeaky clean, it bothers me how my inbox is full of people begging for a link to be included into a post I’ve written, I’ve even had someone ask me to include a breastfeeding link and info into a really personal post about why I decided not to and why I’m pro fed is best.
Then there is a certain group online who make it their duty to be unbelievable mean for no other good reason besides to cause damage, I hate how judgmental some bloggers can be and when you dare have a slightly different opinion to the crowd suddenly you yourself are the ‘troll’.
It annoys me that good honest people who work hard every day of their blogging life just get completely shit on and get nowhere while others who put in the bare minimum, buy their followers and get all those deals which so many are desperate for. I hate how some brands won’t even touch you just because of a pathetic little domain number and don’t even look at the content you produce over the number of followers you have.
I dislike how much time it takes away from spending time with my children, and how I’ve now trained myself into thinking about ‘instagramable’ photos when I’m out and about, which is probably part of the reason why I’m refusing to vlog because I know it will take any time away from spending time with them and as a family.
Of course as I said there are some wonderful things about blogging, without blogging I wouldn’t have met my friend Becca who I actually met in person in the summer. I probably wouldn’t have had the opportunities that I’ve had without blogging and I know my photography skills wouldn’t have improved as much as they have.
I’m grateful for what I’ve experienced with blogging but my goodness there’s so much that I dislike about it, I’ve contemplated quitting and switching off Mummy Cat altogether during my low days but realistically I feel that due to my dislikes, I should change things up a bit and just post when I feel like it and not let myself get lower because I’ve left it for a little longer than I anticipated.
Perhaps the small break away from my blog did me good? Who knows…
Either way.. happy November everyone!